In my original blog post I promised I’d talk about my journey with depression. This is a rather long post but if you are reading it and it resonates with you, I’d love to hear about it!
Twelve years ago, after the birth of our twins, I suffered from a horrible bout of postpartum depression. I never saw my doctor and instead viewed it as spiritual warfare, which it very well may have been, but my own education about this particular issue was limited and my fears led me to stay quiet. Scott didn’t even know what I was going through and I became very good at faking the role of a happy young mom. It lasted about 4 months and then just sort of miraculously lifted but it was a horrible experience and one I frequently speak about now because if I talk about it, then maybe somebody else will feel free to get help.
What I didn’t know then was that depression and I were not done. It has continued to creep into my life from time to time and about 10 years ago, I was having a particularly hard time. I had a conversation with my great friend, Heather, and shared with her that I was considering taking anti-depressants. My doctor had suggested them and I truly felt like it was the best next step for me. She offered that I try regular exercise first – just 2 weeks of consistently working up a sweat for at least 30 minutes, 4 or 5 times a week. I was skeptical but figured it was worth trying so I followed her wise advice knowing that I truly didn’t have time. I was working my tail feathers off and couldn’t see how I could possibly have the energy or time to add in a fitness routine, but I was willing to try anything.
I started by just walking and slowly (veeeerrrrry slowly) progressed to a slow jog. It took me about 3 months, but I was finally able to run around our entire long block (just under 1 mile) without stopping. And, as if by magic, I was no longer feeling depressed. My energy started to come back and I found myself laughing and smiling (genuinely) again. I truly believe that my lack of physical exertion coupled with extreme life stress (husband’s job loss, 3 young kids, major financial pressures) had led to my “blue period”.
Although I still struggle with it from time to time, I have been able to stay off medication. I am always open to the possibility that it may become necessary at some point and my doctor and I speak about it regularly, but for now my lifestyle changes and prayer have lead me to a place where I feel like it’s under control. And when I feel an episode coming (why do we call it that? Always reminds me of soap operas;) I can typically look at my daily rule of life and find some major area that needs tweaking – exercise, sleep, prayer life, nutrition – it all works together and has to be done well or I find myself in the ditch.
My journey to distance running is a story for another day but even if I someday hang up my racing bibs for good, regular, consistent exercise and I will be friends for life. It is a necessary part of my physical, mental and spiritual health and something I think we don’t consider in our modern quest for perfect bodies – I don’t exercise to stay thin . . . I exercise because the body God gave me requires it and if I am to be a good steward of all he has given me, I have to take care of me.
Happy running!!
Jen
PS I realize that for many, medication is part of the process and treatment for their depression. Please don’t read the above as any kind of medical advice – talk to your doctor FIRST and see if this is a reasonable option for you, especially if you’re not currently exercising at all. And for many, a combination of lifestyle change and medication is the best solution.
I am so glad my friend RuthAnn recommended I read your blog. I feel like once you deal with this, it’s always there, even if just a tiny bit. To me it feels like a cloud. Sometimes it’s very far away and non-threatening and other times it’s big, black and hanging over me. I too feel exercise helps keep it at bay and I am thankful that meds are there if I ever need them.
Thanks for the kind words, Johnna! I like how Ashley Judd describes it in her book – she wrote that she would be walking along and it felt like she fell through a trap door into depression. That’s how it feel with me, too. So many people struggle with it – I’m also happy to engage in the conversation!!
Thanks for being vulnerable and honest about your struggles with depression. That takes guts. Many, many other people have walked this same road, but not many are willing to admit it to the world. I’ve suffered from depression as well, mostly as a teenager and college student. I found it cathartic to share my story with friends and on my blog. Perhaps the same is true for you? It’s awesome that running helped you control your depression! How many other people could benefit emotionally from regular exercise as well as physically?
Andy – I absolutely feel that being open about it is part of my own healing. When we’re silent, shame takes over and I think it compounds the feeling of wanting to hide and makes the depression far worse. I think we’re just now realizing all of the mental issues that our sedentary life is causing – I think there are instances where medication is 100% the answer, but I would love to see all who struggle with it evaluate their lives holistically first and see if there isn’t a different solution. Thanks for reading, Friend!!
Jen, I am a subscriber of yours on YT and recently just found your website here! I must say, it feels so refreshing reading some of your vlogs, particularly this one. I think it’s so easy for “us viewers” to watch your amazing vlogs and feel “Wow! She has the perfect life” when in fact, you’re just like the rest of some of us. I struggle with anxiety and time to time as well, depression. It was interesting to read your blog on how you were able to feel better by running. My anxiety has been at an all time high lately, due to life changes/stress so I think I will try to slowly ease myself into exercising again. I have heard it does wonders. Thank you for taking the time to write this! You rock!