For over 10 years of my life I have driven, most days, to the same place. And Thursday, I will drive there, as an employee, for the last time.
I don’t have another job. I sort of wish I did. And I’m sort of glad I don’t.
Because in my heart I know that what I’m doing, the leaving, is my Necessary Ending. It’s been time for awhile, if I’m going to be really honest, and now, that the decision has been made and the office is getting packed up, and the sweet notes and the encouraging words are flowing, I am filled with some sadness, some anxiety, some joy.
But mostly gratitude.
And not just for the good days. There were plenty of those. But also for the hard ones. The impossible frustrations that somehow God worked out, the confrontations that went really bad (usually my fault) and the ones that went really well (always God’s doing!). As a pastor I did the math and I was part of shaping over 450 worship services. That’s a lot of prayers and a lot of songs and a lot of sermons. And those people – the families I walked with and the women and men I cried with and the hospitals I visited and the weddings and the funerals and the births and the deaths and the living and the dying and the divorces and the poverty and the cancer and . . . . .so much life. And the people I worked WITH. What words do I even have for them? They were family. They ARE family.
I am walking into empty space. Unwritten space. And I have so many choices and yet really no choices at all. You can do anything! They all say. God has something amazing in store for you! They speak over me with great enthusiasm and total authenticity. And in my brain I know they’re right. God has directed my path until now and I know he will see it through. But in my heart, if I’m going to be honest . . .
I don’t know. But I know what was had to end. And I know that what’s next will be . . . next. So I’ll keep walking through every open door and waiting on God to show me how he wants to use a girl who can lead to impact the world.
I have no regrets.
But I do believe I will go for a run.
Jen
I know there are so many that will miss you, and I will be one of them, but I am still so thankful for what you have walked me through, and for your smiles and hugs and encouragement. They have all meant more to me than I could say.
Thanks, Brandy!! Love you!