So here’s what happened this morning. I was scheduled for a four mile run (if you must know, 2 miles easy, 1 mile tempo, 1 mile cool down but non-runners stick with me). I happen to despise looking at my watch every few seconds to see my pace so I went by effort and felt good. I felt like maybe I had pushed it too hard in the first 2 miles (note they were to be “easy”) and I pushed really hard on mile 3 (my breathing was pretty labored by the end and I really did feel I did the best I could). HOWEVER, when I got home and checked my splits . . . I was 50 seconds off the tempo mile pace I was hoping for.
Now, what I’d like to type here is that I immediately went into grace mode and said, “well, there will be other days and you really did do your best. It may take longer than you’re hoping but you’ll get there. And by the way, it’s July in Texas and that humidity is brutal. Go fix yourself a glass of chocolate almond milk and good job getting out there.” Yeah, that’s the mature response.
What I said to myself instead was the following:
You are ridiculous for thinking you could improve your speed when you are 43 years old.
You will never be where you want to be.
Maybe you should just give up.
Now, I did stop before I went too far down the crazy road and here’s why: I remembered my love for running. That even if I got SLOWER I would still do it. That I never started training more intentionally because of guaranteed results, but just because I wanted to challenge myself to the next level in order to stay engaged and continue to LOVE running. In that moment, had I continued in that frame of mind, I was in danger of sticking so tightly to the schedule and the rules that I would have forgotten the motivation in the first place: love. And the end result could have been that I would be done with running for good. Because it’s just too hard.
So in this case it was my running, but I think it’s a good lesson for a lot of other things as well. In my parenting and yes, in my faith. If I put obeying the rules above loving others (and in this case, loving myself) I am in dangerous territory.
So when my then 13 yr old (all three of my sons have been that age so I can say that without specifying a kid) came flying in the door from a very hard day of being bullied in middle school and screamed at the top of his lungs “I can’t f#$%ing take it anymore!” and burst into tears my first response was NOT to reprimand him for the use of inappropriate language but rather to love my hurting, broken kid. Am I thrilled with his choice of words? Of course not. But disobeying the rule here was hardly the point. And I would rather have a kid that feels safe baring his soul to me than a kid who’s never used profanity but hides his struggles so as not to break the rules. In that moment, I had to choose love first.
And what about with food? When we break our own rules about food (whatever you’re currently doing – low carb, paleo, vegan, no soy, no sugar – you name it) you have two choices. You can say, wow, that was a bummer. I wonder how I could have ordered my day to avoid that trap I fell into? Onward. Tomorrow’s another day.
How many of us, instead, go straight to eating everything in the house and saying what’s the point? I’m doomed to making these same mistakes over and over again so I might as well just give into it all. And in that moment, we choose condemnation over love. No bueno.
And yes, I could go to the faith place here but I’m not going to. We all know those areas where we tend to choose obeying the rules over love. And if you don’t know where you’re doing that, go to the person you think is the most sinful person on the planet and start praying for them. Maybe it’s you. Maybe it’s someone you’re judging when you should be loving them. Boom. Yeah, now you’re getting it.
So, for the love of running and for the love of God and for the love of ME I will keep trying to be better. And when I fall short of my own rules, and indeed even God’s rules, in running and in life, I will just ask God to help me choose better next time, to show me where I was responsible, and then forgive myself just as he does. I will choose to completely let go of the circumstances over which I have no control (Serenity prayer anyone?). Because Miss Stacey from Anne of Green Gables was right. Tomorrow really is fresh with no mistakes in it. And you are loved.
“If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.”
I Corinthians 13: 1- 3 (NIV)
So please go love well! And Happy Running!
Jen