I’ve talked before here about my struggle with depression. It has lessened greatly over the years but the truth is, I’m always looking over my shoulder for it to come back.
To have another one of those moments where I suddenly fall through a trap door in the floor and can’t get out.
And today I’m sad. But that is not the same thing as depression. Sad is good. Stop right there because some of you just gave me a puppy head tilt. Sad. Is Good.
Because sad is feeling. I’m sad for a lot of reasons. I’m grieving over the loss of my dad, still after four years (how very un-American of me). I’m grieving over some choices that our oldest son is making. I’m grieving over some in my life that are in physical and emotional pain. But sad feeling normal and human is new for me.
I’ve spent my life blocking sad.
Because a happy person, I thought, is a good person. That’s what people want and need. They don’t need your mopey self. Your bummed out ridiculous self. They need you up-beat and positive and funny. So only feel that. Don’t feel sad. Block sad.
And then numb out. Escape. Watch a mindless tv show, eat something with high carbs, watch something funny. Except for it doesn’t work.
The chapter in Brene Brown’s book The Gifts of Imperfection on this was huge for me. I’ve really enjoyed the ecourse and got a lot out of it. But the biggest aha moment, the line that sort of stopped me in my tracks was this.
“We cannot selectively numb emotions. When we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.”
So wait, what does that mean? Well for me, it means this: When I choose to block the pain, the grief, the sorrow, the frustration and the fear I also numb the joy, the excitement, the elation and the peace.
And then I started looking in my Bible. Turns out, men and women in the Bible are sad a lot. They’re frustrated a lot. They’re mad at God A LOT. Just today, in fact, as I was reading my morning prayers, I came across this gem:
“As the deer longs for the water-brooks, so longs my soul for you, O God. My soul is athirst for God, athirst for the living God. When shall I come to appear before the presence of God? My tears have been my food day and night, while all day long they say to me ‘Where now is your God?’ I pour out my soul when I think on these things. Why are you so full of heaviness, O My Soul? and why are you so disquieted within me?” Psalm 42:1 – 7
Yeah, that’s not depression right there. That’s maybe the anecdote for depression – that’s choosing to feel. To experience. To cry out. To say I don’t understand and I don’t want this anymore! Because Friends, this world is full of pain. And sadness. And want. And to deny that, to pretend things are different, is less than what you were made to be. Sometimes things can’t be fixed.
So when you read this don’t feel sorry for me or pray that I get over it. I want to feel all the emotions. The sad ones and the angry ones and the frustrated ones. Because then I get to feel the other ones, too. And for me, it’s the only way to live fully and exactly where God wants me. And it’s the only way to be fully human.
Happy Running. And living. And feeling.
Jen
Wow, thanks for sharing such an intimate, emotional look into your life today. I totally understand it and have sad days too. My dad has been gone over 19 years and some days it still just hits me. I miss him. I am sad that my family that visited this past weekend is gone, sad that I have not been running regularly and sad that I have not had a date with my husband in about a month. Heres to being fully human today.
You are more than welcome and thank you for your great words. Lean into the sad!! It won’t last forever. There’s joy in the morning!!
This hit me today. Sometimes it is so much easier to block sad and then I remember (or someone reminds me more likely)-Jesus got angry and sad and frustrated too. He knew what it was like! Fully human. And I am sorry too for your son’s (and thus your) struggles with poor choices. So so hard to watch. As hard as adolescence was to endure for me sometimes watching it is harder. Praying for you-but not that you will get over it-just because.
thanks, Kathy. And you’re right – Jesus knows EXACTLY how I’m feeling because he felt it, too. Big sigh. And yes, there will be better days!! And eventually the best day EVER is coming and then all the broken stuff will be fixed and every tear will be wiped away. That’s good stuff right there.
I totally agree with you. It is so important to FEEL things. Understand what is happening and deal appropriately, whether its crying or just not moving for a day. Society is always telling up how to “beat” feeling bad or whatever. Grief is so real. I cycled through the stages many times when I lost my Grandpa and my husband is still in a state after losing his mom almost 3 years ago.Even though my boy is only 6 he has made some poor choices that are hard for me to watch but someone once told me that YOU ARE NOT YOUR KIDS and they have their own minds to do whatever they want to do. It’s your job to keep trying and never give up.
Jen, this post resonates with me so much. I too struggle with bouts of depression and have beat myself over it so much. I say to myself “why do you have the right to be depressed, you have everything” and get so angry and try to ignore it and put on a happy face. Lately, I have learned to be kinder to myself and ” allow myself to be sad”. I also left a stressful career recently and moved to an entirely different job with significantly less money and am struggling with that as well but deep down I know I made the right decision, it’s just my ego that won’t let go. But like you, running helps me, it makes me feel so much better and stronger! Thank you for your posts/blogs, I look forward to them!!! Take Care!
Thank you, Deb! Yes, the ego thing is HUGE and I so get that – but I also feel it’s so good for me and I am enjoying the reduction in responsibility! Thanks for your very kind and encouraging words. Greatly appreciated.