“My biggest fear is that I’ll get to heaven and hear Jesus say that there was so much more he had for me to do. I don’t want to miss it.” My sweet friend sat across from me as we discussed what God was saying to us on retreat.

I paused for a moment. Something about the statement bothered me. I’d heard it a million times before, said it myself a million times before, but something about it was off.

“But what if you get there and he says you did MORE than he wanted you to? What if in all our performance and striving we did too much instead of just being? And worshiping. And resting.”

Even as the words came out of my mouth I felt like they weren’t for my friend. They were for me. God was speaking to my very soul.

You see, I grew up performing. Being the good girl. Meeting everyone else’s expectations. My very worth tied up in how others perceived how I was performing.

On retreat this weekend, Mary DeMuth said these words and I can’t shake them.

“People pleasing is not a godly characteristic.”

She quoted Paul on this very thing.

“And now, am I trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.” Galatians 1:10

Hit me right between the eyes. Took my breath away, in fact.

So much there for me to process. How do you relearn how to live a life where every action has always been motivated by getting the gold star? How do you step into authenticity and whole-heartedness when your work, your parenting, your marriage have always been about meeting impossible expectations? Not expectations set by those you love. Not even, and this is the bitter pill to swallow, expectations set by God. Just me. Striving. Trying to be the best, all of the time, at everything.

This is not a completed thought so I have no charge for you or clear conclusion. In fact, maybe my first act of not performing is ending this blog post badly.

So there you go.

Jen