Almost a decade ago, a boss of mine said something that I’ve never forgotten.

I saw him at Starbucks on my way into the office having just dropped the twins off at a private school we had enrolled them in due to their learning difference (they both have dyslexia). The school was almost 40 minutes away with traffic, and the year they were there my days started very early and ended very late and I was very tired.

I said something like, “this new schedule is killing me!” and he responded, nonchalantly with these words,

“Well, no wonder. You’re trying to do two full time jobs.”

The comment stung. I felt diminished. And I was angry.

This morning, on my run, that interaction crossed my mind and I literally stopped in my tracks with the following thought:
Wait a minute! Why is is just a full time job for mothers? Isn’t parenting a full time job for all of us?

I’m not sure why it’s taken me this long to come to the realization that his comment was not, in fact, sexist or anti-women working. It simply showed his misunderstanding of how much of a toll parenting takes on both husbands and wives. Or at least it SHOULD.

And I don’t think we should shy away about asking women about work/life balance or if their partner helps with the kids.

But why are we not also asking those questions of men?

Why do we only say women are doing 2 full time jobs when they choose to work outside their homes? If we are mothering and fathering the way we should be, properly caring for these precious kids that God gave us, it’s a full time job for ALL OF US.

Scott deals with the same guilt about splitting his time between his work and his family that I do.

He shares in the same frustrations I do –  that we don’t have time to get all the daily things accomplished like registering the cars, and re-painting the inside of the front door that the dog destroyed, and getting the kids to the dentist and the orthodontist. And far more importantly he worries, like I do, that he’s too preoccupied with his work and that he’s not always as engaged with them as he’d like. It’s the age old problem – at work we worry about the kids and when we’re with the kids we worry about work. Both of us.

In scripture, we see tons of verses about parenting. But they almost always refer to both parents and actually, frequently address fathers specifically.  My favorite on this list is the Proverbs verses where mothers and fathers are both addressed – indicating a true partnership in the raising of our kids (Ephesians 6:4, Deut 11:19, Deut 4:9, Proverbs 1:8 – 9).

And what would you think of a dad who referred to himself as a part time dad? I don’t think you’d applaud his efforts or thank him for his half way service.

So let’s stop saying that only women are doing 2 full time jobs when they choose to parent and work. Because parenting is a full time job for everyone who chooses to have children.

And that is what I wish I’d had the courage to say 10 years ago. So if you’re reading this, my dear friend and co-worker, I don’t condemn you for your comments but I challenge you to re-think how you view men and women and parenting and work.

And I almost hope you say it to me again. Because now I have a response.

Oh, and a quick note to all the moms and dads doing it without a partner: I commend you. I admire you. And I will do my best to be there for you whenever possible because you are doing an impossible thing and you are tired. I see you. And you are miraculous.

Happy Running. And parenting. And working. And balancing. May God give all of us the strength we need for all he has given us to do.

For a great read on this topic, I highly recommend the book
 Overwhelmed by Brigid Schulte