I am a product of television and movies.

I watched a large amount of both as a child and although I don’t think it made me a bad person or flawed my character, it did give me certain ideas about life and relationships that I have come to believe are somewhat unrealistic.

The most damaging of these has been coming to me in fits and starts, and forming what I’ve been thinking into words one can type on a Mac Book has been some time in coming.

In movies, or TV shows, there is always a basic premise, be it romantic comedy, drama, sci-fi or horror. There are people. The people get into some kind of trouble. There is a Magical Conversation that brings clarity to the people and enables them to act. The trouble is resolved.

Obviously, I am WAY over-simplifying and yes, there are nuances and the occasional film or tv show with no resolution or happy ending. But in the majority of cases, the above holds true.

Let’s take Full House – dad and girl child have conflict, girl child doesn’t see his side of things, dad and girl OR dad and male roommates have Magical Conversation. Conflict is resolved.

Or let’s go a completely different genre say, The Godfather. Michael and Kay get married. Michael is in the mafia. Kay doesn’t want him to be. They have a magical conversation where Michael lies to Kay about killing his brother in law. Kay realizes that Michael loves the mafia more than her. Conflict is resolved. OK, this one doesn’t really work because conflict  NOT resolved but there is, at least, clarity as the door shuts in Kay’s face and she realizes what she’s signed up for.

Or how about The Crown: Prince Phillip is misbehaving. Queen Elizabeth and Prince Phillip have a conversation about how he needs to be settled and happier and how he needs to go to Australia to get happy. Prince Phillip goes to Australia. Trouble resolved (sort of).

It plays out over and over and over again. In the movies and on tv.

So I have walked through life, and particularly my marriage and my parenting, with this firmly planted idea that all things can be resolved (or at least clarified) if you can just have the

Magical Conversation

But I have come to realize that this is not  a thing. My sons don’t start on a bad path, I realize the bad path, I sit them down and have a Magical Conversation and they return to the appropriate path.

Just no.

I mean, I say all the Magical Conversation words. Over and over and over. And a lot of the times there is improvement but it’s not because Scott or I said the perfect things. In fact, it has very little to do with me at all aside from the fact that we don’t abuse them and give them a safe place to process and land when they fall.Oh, and make sure they know right from wrong.

So, why does it matter?

Well, mostly, because I have expelled a great deal of energy on finding the perfect words. The words that will inspire, motivate, bring peace, bring joy and healing.

That’s a lot of pressure to put on words, and I think I have it wrong. The words are good, the words matter, the words CAN heal or damage, sure, but they’re not the only dogs in the fight. There are the actions, the feelings, the atmosphere, the prayers and (the one I hate with everything in my body) THE OTHER PERSON’S FREE WILL.

So I’m giving up on The Magical Conversation in real life and allowing it to live only in those spaces where conflict must be resolved in 30 minutes (Full House) or 2.5 hours (The Godfather) because in my marriage and parenting I have a lifetime. And all the things will contribute. And some of them won’t contribute at all. And the things will turn out the way they will.

Even if I screw up the conversation. Even if I’m taking a nap when it’s supposed to be happening. Even if I’m saying it but the person listening . . isn’t.

That’s all I wanted to say. I’m betting it won’t change your life like it has mine but I think I just got a lot more relaxed. I’m off to take a nap. You’re on your own.