I have never liked New Year’s Resolutions.

It’s just that I have never understood why, because of a decision the Romans made 2000 plus years ago, we all decide that when the calendar changes from one year to the next what is meant to happen is self improvement.

I am, you see, exhausted from self- improvement. I read once that once you’re 50 the cement is set and not much change is going to happen. I actually don’t believe that because I truly believe that humans are capable of evolution and improvement every day they have breath in their bodies, so I’m not sure why I’m sharing it except to say that come on, already, enough.

Instead, I would like to propose that we do New Year’s Acceptance. You know, truly accepting the things we cannot change. I’m being rather stalked by the Serenity Prayer lately, but in case that’s not your reality, here it is:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

So let’s get out pen and paper, or keyboard and screen, and list those lovely things we cannot change. I’ll wait, You back? OK, let’s go. Here’s mine:

My pear shaped body type.

It’s all about that bass over here, Ladies and Gentleman, and at my thinnest and at my heaviest, I got some booty going on. It’s OK, and I know accept that some women have surgery to look like me. I know, I don’t get it either because truly being a size 4 in your waist and a size 10 in your hips is not the most wonderful thing ever but oh well.

My husband.

Contrary to public belief, after 27 years of marriage, I do not believe men are trainable. Mostly because that makes them seem like dogs or monkeys, which I find highly insulting, and also because I’m not co-dependent. He needs to do him. I gotta do me.

Who is president.

I voted. My person didn’t win. I can’t change it. Let me re-state as I did in my post on how to survive the next 4 years that he’s not a dictator or a king he’s just president. And go call Barack if you think that means you can get all kinds of crazy things done. It doesn’t. Our government works at a snail’s pace and I, for one, am grateful this year for that reality.

The past.

Have you worked through your issues with your childhood yet? It’s a fun place to practice the serenity prayer (fun as in this is excruciating) because your past is set in stone. Sorry. Regret is fine for 5 minutes but after that it’s pointless. So I give you permission to write down all the things you regret about your childhood, who your parents were, the missed opportunities, the dumb choices . . go ahead . .5 minutes. OK, now be done with that crap. What’s happened has made you the bad ass you are and you need all those things because you have stuff to do. If that past had been perfect you’d be no fun to be around and have nothing to give others by way of experience and wisdom.

How many calories are in McDonald’s french fries.

If you try to tell me they’re not good (especially when they’re really hot and fresh) then there’s something wrong with you. When I was 7 we went on a field trip to a local McDonald’s (I know, weird) and we learned all about how long the fries can stay in that little basket and that when the alarm goes off they have to throw them away if they don’t get them out quickly. Because then they’re not perfect. I, for one, like to honor that kind of attention to detail with a visit to the golden arches every fortnight or so. Relax, I don’t eat them every day.

In closing, the world is going through hell right now. But then again, that’s not really new, is it? So let’s wake up every day, say that Serenity Prayer, throw open the shutters like Ebenezer Scrooge in the final scene and say “It’s Christmas! I haven’t missed it!” and bring joy, and big turkeys, and pie, and laughter and life and encouragement and fries to all we are blessed to encounter. And fight hate, injustice, bigotry and ignorance. Not as a New Year’s Resolution but as a way to change the things we can. We have a lot of work to do. Let’s get to it.

Happy New Year.

Jen