I clearly remember the first time I struggled with body image. I was maybe 10 and in ballet class (where I spent the majority of my free time when I was 10 – cue “At The Ballet” from Chorus Line) and I noticed that the girl on my right and the girl on my left were thinner than I was. That their thighs didn’t touch like mine did, and their arms were smaller. I remember going home that night and thinking that I should look into getting on one of the diets that my mom was always on. She was on a lot of diets when I was young and it was a frequent source of stress and conversation in our home. Her weight was always a battle and I assumed that as I got older, it would be a battle for me, too.

A Picture of Me at 11 or 12. I would have told you, if you knew me then, that I needed to lose a few pounds.

So I took great measures to make sure that I would never be fat. Because in my mind, being fat was the worst thing that could happen to me as an adult. Worse than being poor.Worse than being unemployed. Worse than being alone. It’s important to note that when this battle started for me, I was actually under weight for my height. My perception and my reality parted ways that year when it came to my weight, and they still haven’t completely re-aligned themselves.

I thought I had conquered these issues but I had a wake up call from my friend, Ludy, who does my hair. I don’t know what we were talking about but she stopped what she was doing and said “you don’t look at your self and think you have weight to lose, do you?”

Um, yeah. I do. I ALWAYS do.

So here’s the disclaimer part. The part where I tell you that yes, I know watching what you eat and eating “clean” and making great choices and diet and exercise are GOOD things. These are things I do and if you’re not already doing, you should, too. Self care of our bodies is a good and actually even a biblical thing. The bible calls our bodies the “temple of the holy spirit” (I Cor 6:19-20) so yeah, I’m going to take good care of mine.

But for me, and for some of you, this isn’t about just being healthy. It’s about doing the best we can and then, when we feel it’s not good enough – when we still have cellulite, or curves, or love handles or a belly – we berate ourselves, tell ourselves lies, and become consumed with self talk that is false and destructive.

I came across this amazing article today in the Huff Post. If you just resonated with any of what I just wrote, please go read it. 7 Things to Look At When You Feel Bad About Your Body

My body is a miracle. God designed it to be strong, and capable. He gave me strong arms to wrap around the people I love and strong legs that can take me through the journey that is my life. I have a belly that will never be flat again because I gave birth to three miraculous sons, and I have hereditary cellulite that will never go away even if I have surgery, spend thousands on miracle creams and run hundreds of miles. And all of it is who I am. Who God made me to be. It is not wrong. It is beautiful.

I will never fully conquer my body issues and that’s OK. But I recognize that it’s an issue and I’ve gained some tools to help me and I have people in my life to hold me accountable if I get off track. If you’re struggling with this, I hope today you can look in the mirror and say thank you to God for a body that is a miracle. And say it even if you don’t mean it yet. You’ll get there. And if you really can’t get there I hope you’ll consider talking to someone – a counselor, your physician, your pastor. You’re not alone and you’ll need help to slay this particular dragon.

I hope you feel strong and miraculous today. Because you are. Happy running.

Jen