As we start the new year, seems every publication is filled with one message to women for 2017 – STOP SAYING YES TO EVERYTHING. It’s such a nice concept and so empowering, that word “no”.
But There is a particular breed of human, that you may not be aware of, that will find this extremely difficult if not impossible.
We live as normal citizens, just like everyone else. We seem normal, we act normal, we pay taxes and contribute to society.
We are a rare bread (or not so rare, actually) called the Rescuer. We honestly feel (or at least feel until we get into therapy) that it is our job to rescue everyone else. To smooth over the family relationships, to say the healing words, to make the decisions that will bring health, wealth and prosperity. If only people would listen.
And we are convinced we are very good people for feeling this way. In fact, we are superior.
The problem is, we’re not. I mean it’s not that we aren’t good people – generally speaking we are – it’s that our motive is self involved. We want you to think well of us. We want you to NEED us. We want to be indispensable. We literally want you to feel like you couldn’t function without us.
Crikey.
How will you know if you’re in a relationship with one of us? Well . . .
Think through your last few conversations with the person you feel might fall into this category. Did we need you or did you need us? Did we listen and help and solve to an almost ridiculous level of detail? And did you hang up thinking, “Thank God for her, she always helps see things clearly.”
How often does she call you with a problem or concern? Or even better, how often does she ask for something specific and tangible that YOU can do for HER? Be it borrowing something, giving her a ride or letting her dog out – if she’s a TRUE rescuer, she doesn’t EVER want to be seen as needy because that is weakness. She is the strong one. You need her not the other way around.
Do you find yourself saying to her frequently “I don’t know what I would do without you”? Oh, goody gumdrops, she’s going to LOVE that. That is her love language.
So now that we’ve identified how to find the rescuers, what if you read this and realized YOU’RE the rescuer?
Hi, My name if Jennifer, and I am a rescuer so I know a thing or two about your recovery.
First off . . .oh, wait. See what I just did? I almost just offered all the advice and tips to help you. My blogging is, in fact, the most blatant and obvious form of my rescuing. It’s a little less destructive, however, because I’m not in your lives every day and I have control over how you affect me but still . . .it’s there.
So I won’t give you great advice or help you work through the rescuing because the truth is it runs deep and you need professional help (like the kind I got and am still getting) to unravel it all. But please do so. Because sadly, rescuers, when we are tired, become an ugly sort of person that others find difficult to be around and aren’t particularly happy.
THE MARTYR
Yes, Friends, the rescuers grow up to be the martyrs and I’m not sure if you’ve hung out with one of them lately, but it’s not exactly Disneyland on a fine sunny day. The Martyr has had it with all the rescuing and now sees everyone and everything as a threat to her personal pursuit of happiness. “You all just want to suck me dry,” she thinks . . .so she turns out a little, um, cranky.
So to those who find themselves in relationships with rescuers please help them. They won’t ask for it, but find a way to encourage them to have their own problems and concerns and to actually ask for and accept help. Because although they may actually help you quite a lot, they are on a destructive path that will lead to their unhappiness and I know you don’t want that.
And for The Rescuers . . . this isn’t going to be easy. But not being that person who everyone needs may turn out to be the most liberating and joyful step you ever take. The work is hard. But it’s worth it. And let me know how you do, because I want your future to be filled with joy and healthy, mutually beneficial relationships.
Happy New Year. And I may call later to borrow something.